If I Only Had a Brain

(With acknowledgement and apologies to Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg)

Said his advisor, clingin’ to the polls
To the President, sittin’ on the fence
“Now the voters vote their souls,
So forgot about your common sense.”

Said the President, “well, well, well,
That’s a good thing, ‘cause I have no common sense!”
So just tell me how they’re leanin’,
Don’t confuse me with the meanin’
“Cause th’ electorate is easy to convince.
Still, if I only had some common sense. . .

I would while away the hours just cataloguing flow’ers,
Extinct from acid rain.
I’d see my ‘Clear Skies Inish’tive’ was misnamed and acquis’tive
If I only had a brain.

I’d quit tricklin’ down th’ economy, actin’ like I’ve had a lobotomy, or simply gone insane.
With the progress I’d be makun’ I’d quit tryin’ to be a Reagan
If I only had a brain.

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean’s near the shore, (global warming!)
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I’d sit. . .
And think some more.

I would understand “Three Branches”
doesn’t mean three times the chances
For single-party reign.
And that judges I call “act’vist” don’t belong on a blacklist
If I only had a brain.

I could count beyond G7, I’d remember 9/11
Was Bin Laden, not Hussein.
No weapons—that’d be too clear;
And I might learn to say “nuclear”
If I only had a brain.

I would not be unilateral, I’d build on my collateral,
Not flush it down the drain.
I’d reassess our mission and I’d work for coalition,
If I only had a brain.

And, wow! I’d tell you how to broker peace, not war,
I would draft a plan to aid the sick and poor.
I’d leave no child behind—and that’s for sure!

I would not be such a stickler, ‘bout gay marriage in partic’lar,
That was just for my campaign,
I would not be a divider, and my “base” would be much wider,
If I only had a brain.

I’d a known that Miss Katriner,
Was predicted to be meaner
Than a little wind and rain.
And I might have acted faster to respond to the disaster
If I only had a brain.

I’d a known a storm that heavy
It was bound to breach the levy
Holdin’ back Lake Pontchartrain.
And with all that water spillin’ The Big Easy would be fillin’
If I only had a brain.

And, gee, I’d have some sympathy, compassion—not just in name!
I’d quit tryin’ to make the victims take the blame.
I’d admit my mistakes;
I’d have some shame!

I’d have ended my vacation
In the interest of the nation,
Gotten quickly on my plane.
I’d ‘ve sensed the clock was tickin’
While I kept on politicin’
If I only had a brain.

Revised lyrics copyright 2005