Exploring the (shallow) Recesses of the Conservative Mind

I just spent the weekend with scads of family members who are very religiously and politically conservative (not necessarily in that order of importance). I’m always amazed (sometimes even doubtful) that we actually share any DNA.

Before one even has a conversation with them, the script can pretty much be written by surveying the cars they drive. Suburbans, minivans, and Ford F150s rule the day—every one of them adorned with bumper stickers reading “W,” “Support the Troops,” “I’ll keep my Guns, Freedom, and Money. You Can Keep the ‘Change’,” and, of course, “Gig’em Aggies.” The one that really got me this time was a sticker bearing the words, “Annoy a Liberal; Read the Constitution.” My head started spinning like Linda Blair in The Exorcist; I had to stop and take deep, slow breaths, convinced that projectile vomiting was close behind.

To be sure, my family is made up of otherwise intelligent, well-educated people. Certainly they know HOW to read. But this was such a blatant, textbook case of Freudian Projection, I scarcely knew where to begin deconstructing the disconnect. I’m confident there are some conservatives who have actually read the Constitution. Some may even be able to quote a sentence or two. But these folks—the same ones who read the pornographically violent comic-book fiction of “Left Behind” as if it were a how-to manual, must think of the Constitution as historical fiction.

When I was growing up, preachers in my fundamentalist church were fond of decrying the “librul” christians for practicing what they called “cafeteria-style religion.” In other words, these semi-heathen, bound-for-hell, pseudo Christians, went through the bible picking and choosing the parts they like and passing over the rest, a la Sunday lunch at Luby’s. You’d think the fundamentalists might have seen a bit of selective literalism in their own practices. (These are, after all the folks who are militantly “Pro Life,” meaning, of course, pro UNBORN life. Anyone whose head has already popped out of the womb is deprived of such compassion—particularly Muslims and abortion doctors).

After witnessing eight years of the travesties of the Bush/Cheney Administration, endlessly cheered on by the radical “religious” right, it’s hard to imagine these folks as the defenders of the Constitution. In fact, I think the right is guilty of “cafeteria-style constitutional democracy.” I can just imagine that lunch line: “No that ‘right to a trial by a jury of peers’ bit, that’s a bit like brussel sprouts—leave that off my plate. That ‘illegal search and seizure’ thing, I’ll pass. Oh, give me a double helping of that ‘right to bear arms’ casserole; those guns are just so yummy! No, no, don’t want any of that ‘due process’ crap.”

Then, it really is hard to take seriously a group whose spokespeople are Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, and Bill O’Reilly (who are so obviously and deeply unhinged that they must be one missed dose of Prozac—or would that be OxyContin?—away from being fitted for one of those lovely backward white jackets and locked away). And they think “24” and Fox News are for real while evolution is “only a theory.”

OK, let’s review the first ten amendments of the Constitution of the United States of America—the “Bill of Rights.”

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Amendment III
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment VII
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

We’ll give them credit for the “right to bear arms” in spite of the fact that they take it totally out of the context of “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state.” The rest… not so much (but, hey, one out of ten ain’t bad).

So, conservatives, if you want to have a discussion about the Constitution, I say, “bring it on!” (oh, wait, maybe that phrase elicits some extra-constitutional references, like maybe Article I, Section 8: “Congress shall have the power to… declare war….”) I think my new bumper sticker will say, “Note to Conservatives: You go ahead and read it; we’re pretty busy protecting and defending it!”